The Notebook! Love Actually! Every Nicholas Sparks movie adaptation.. If you’re a romantic like me, we love to watch a good Rom Com every now and then. We don’t even need to read a synopsis without predicting what it’s about. Boy meets girl, boy pursues girl but it’s ‘complicated’, someone F**K’s up, girl accepts that job offer overseas and boy surrenders defeat just when we started to think they could be the next Romeo and Juliet.. But then *SPOILER ALERT* he changes his mind, races to the airport with only minutes to spare, they both say ‘I love you’ and they live a happy, blissful life. As romantic as that scenario is, we know it’s fictionalized because finding love in reality is a lot more challenging and most often our ‘happily ever after’ ends in heartbreak instead.
For those of you currently married, I congratulate you and genuinely wish you long term happiness. For those who are in a committed relationship, I hope fate intervened and you’re looking at your soulmate. Now, for those at a similar stage as myself and in the dating scene, then you’ll probably be able to relate to this blog the most, especially if you’re gay. A lot of you will agree and relate to what I say and a lot of you won’t, but that’s fine because we all have our own life experiences and interpretation on things. This isn’t just a generalization. My views and opinions throughout this blog come from people I’ve known and what I’ve personally experienced, particularly in the gay social scene. I base it on current dating, in what I now call a ‘hook up’ society.
Dating has gradually changed over the years, and in today’s society it’s clear many people approach dating and relationships with a negative mindset. I can’t say for certain whether the straight scene is quite as bad but boys will be boys right? and do gay guys even bother dating anymore? I don’t understand why it’s a prerequisite to know someone’s sexual preference in the bedroom and the size of their c**k before they even know their last name. We all have an idea in our minds of the perfect date but instead offered a ‘Netflix and Chill’ date and everyone knows the purpose of them. I used to speak to a guy who pursued me for a date and was quite persistent. I would have happily said yes but if your invites are always spontaneous midnight invites for ‘cuddles’ then the word ‘date’ is used pretty loosely. In this guys case, he was obviously labeling it a date to protect his image but what’s the point? Rather than be upfront and honest, many choose game play by belittling someone’s intelligence and pretending to be someone they’re clearly not. As this guy became spokesperson for the gay community, he bluntly said “A good heart isn’t going to get you in my bed” and how very right he was about that one. When did society become so superficial? When did a ‘happily ever after’ depend so much on the physicality of someone?
I started dating about 4 years ago after I had accepted my sexuality and was ‘out’ to everyone I knew. It’s interesting to look back at that time because I wasn’t associated with the gay community. I didn’t have any gay friends and very rarely went to a gay club, so my only source of communication with guys was through social media and dating apps, such as Grindr and Tinder. When it actually was somewhat a source to ‘date’ instead of a hook up finder it’s majorly used for now. No wonder why guys aren’t interested in putting in time and effort to date anymore. Just with a few clicks and a couple of words they’ve found companionship for the night. Social media in general has massive control on society today and the perception/judgement people place on others before they’ve even met them. With peoples inability to hold a conversation or even start one with someone in real life, your content on your social media accounts is imperative. Well, when I say ‘content’ I’m referring to how revealing your photos are, the number of followers you have and the list of mutual friends shared.
Being around a straight community and seeing my friends experiences, I assumed I’d experience something similar. I enjoyed dating back then because it helped with self confidence and general shyness towards the same gender. However, I soon started to believe I was either cursed or just had terrible luck because I met far more wackos than potentials. Although I wasn’t overly picky, I admit I was pretty shallow when I first came out and personality wasn’t something I concentrated on because I just assumed being a decent human being was a character trait most people had… But shit, I quickly discovered I was way off on that one.
I’ve always been a romantic at heart so I was a little surprised when I was noticing the topic of ‘sex’ being mentioned very early on, sometimes before the main meal was served and other times before I even knew what their last name was. I’m no prude and very much enjoy the physical interaction like everyone else, but I guess it seems I’m the minority these days that believe sex is based on something intimate and meaningful, with someone you care deeply about. So until I like you or see you as a potential, you won’t find me in your bed.. especially on the first meet up. In saying that though, yes in the past I may have done a couple of ‘walk of shames’ after a drunken night out but seriously, what guy hasn’t? You quickly realize whether that’s a way of life you want to lead or not, and I figured out early on it wasn’t my kind of thing.
Fast forward to the present and after spending the majority of last year in the ‘gay social scene’ on a weekly basis, I realized it had nothing to do with bad luck or being cursed, it’s that hook ups, NSA (no strings attached) and partying massively outweigh dating and relationships in today’s society. A lifestyle most gays choose. I’d even say it’s more ‘socially acceptable’ as crazy as that sounds. So, why is it like this? I’m certain CHEATING has contributed greatly to this. Cheating is a common issue that occurs no matter on the nationality, gender or sexual orientation. I’ve never been cheated on in a relationship (well not that I’m aware of) but I know many of you have and it seems that this kind of betrayal is one of the main causes of breakups. As the number of cheating partners rise, so do the excuses and it seems people are finding it far too easy to justify their actions with examples such as,
“We had a fight”
“They were being unreasonable”
“They weren’t in the mood for sex”
“I was drunk”
“They came onto me first…”
Although I think it has a lot to do with the current ‘me generation’ people also need to stop participating in the ‘blame game’ and start taking responsibility for their OWN actions. I don’t believe there’s any plausible justification for cheating. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, then don’t be. If you are but not happy, then leave and if there’s an issue you want to resolve, try using your words, not your c**k.
Maybe cheating is a result of why many prefer an open relationship over a monogamous one, a popular choice within the gay community. For those unaware what an open relationship is all about, it’s basically when two people are in a relationship but allow each other to engage sexually with others. To be blunt, I think open relationships are just glorifying cheating I’m skeptical of any sort of relationship that requires a 3rd or 4th participant. In saying this, there are many various viewpoints regarding this topic with the for/against rate 50/50. Just like everything else, what may work for some, doesn’t work for others, so each to their own.
Instead, what if we focused on someone’s intentions for wanting an open relationship in the first place. It saddens me to remember the amount of guys who have openly admitted they are either in one or considering one purely to avoid the risk of being cheated on. As they say, “All men cheat” which is a big generalization and a little stereotypical but at the end of the day we all lead by example and when it’s come to a point we’re more surprised when a couple has remained faithful, then saying “all men cheat” is justified. To the guys who can’t bare the thought of only having 1 long term sex partner.. well they see it as a win/win situation. There is now a socially acceptable way to sleep with as many people as you want while experiencing the benefits of a partner. Like I said, each to their own and if you can make an open relationship work, then more power to you. However, to be in love with someone is about seeing an imperfect person perfectly, so I struggle to understand how anyone who continues to preach their loving and strong relationship can still feel the sexual need for other company…
There is one ulterior motive I can somewhat excuse that many are probably unwilling to admit to and that’s people who like the idea of being in a relationship for personal gain. I’m not talking about the ones who are just desperate to change their relationship status on Facebook (It’s not official until it’s Facebook official.. ugh) I’m referring to people who may be feeling a little lonely, needing someone to care for them or just filling a void left by something or someone else. Although this isn’t the way to go, I can understand their thought process because being single can have it’s downside, especially during the difficult times through life when all we need sometimes is someone to help guide us back on track. If this sounds like you, I’d suggest taking the time to think a little deeper. Instead of being so determined to find someone to love, maybe it’s a key sign that loving yourself needs to be a priority first.
On a personal note, dating is at the very bottom of my ‘to do list’ at the moment and until the predictability of a guys actions change, then you wont find me interested for long. We all have our faults and we all have things in our past that’s made us who we are today. It’s reached a point though where love is seen as a myth and showing any kind of feelings towards someone is dismissed so easily. If this doesn’t change and hate continues to outweigh love in today’s society then “PEACE OUT” I’ll become a priest or a farmer or something. I’m far from perfect but I know I have the biggest heart. I have so much love to give and always wear my heart on my sleeve for everyone to see but i’m starting to realize that mistake and it might be time to change that. I mean, where has it really gotten me so far?
In the meantime, LOVE all, TRUST a few, DO wrong to none ❤